New Video up for C.TA's Spring 2010 GR Spread!

My editing chops are certainly improving.. and i'm very excited.

Photoshoot with new C.TA model, Jillian Johnston, for the Spring 2010 Glam Rock Magazine Seasonal Vaccination of C.TA spread! This seasons spread is all about creativity!

More photos will be up on April 1st at www.glamrockmagazine.com

and more at www.myspace.com/ctaglamcouture

Living in the moment...

While it's a phrase often heard, you never really grasp its meaning until you attempt it.
I am a person who is stuck in the future. My mother is a person stuck in the past. I am always anxious because nothing ever seems to come fast enough. My mother lives in regret for all of the things she has done wrong or people who have wronged her. Neither make you happy or content with life as a whole.
I've realized that living in the moment is true happiness. Loving whats around you. The experience, people, smells, tastes, sounds. Truly enjoying the moment, no matter how joyless it may seem. There is a touch of good in everyone and everything, but when we wrap ourselves up in future or the past, we become completely blind to the present.

Right now I am sitting in my room, in a two story house in northern california. It's dark out, as it's 4am. Im an insomniac, which i often prefer as i work best at night. I hear the sounds of cars rushing by outside in what sounds like the slosh of puddles from an impending rain. Unfortunately, i cant smell much because of these god forsaken allergies that magically appeared last summer. What i see around me is the flicker of a blank tv, the blaring light of a computer screen and the faint view of miscellaneous objects being shown by the tv's dim light. in this moment, there is quiet, in this moment there is peace. there is no one trying to harm me or yell. My worries mean nothing as there is not immediate need for them. My body is tense from the stress i've felt the past few days and the weeks of nursing my mother back to health.. both mentally and physically. This moment is happiness because there is no stress. If i think about it, the future, the issues in life and business, there are MOUNDS of stress (in fact just writing that makes my back very tense)... HOWEVER.. in this moment.. there is NO STRESS. No immediate need for stress or worry and therefore i feel BLISS.

Business is money.. and right now I have none so I guess my business is personal. 2010 is the year of change. The year to get my health in check, to finally begin exercising and learning to like it, to gain knowledge over things i'll need for business, to balance out my life between work and friends. This is all very crucial because 2011 is the year of exposure. The year i'll finally get my ass out there and try. All of my attempts up until now have been safe, behind a screen... well in 2011 I WILL have a healthy body, mind and schedule, organized and ready to pounce on the fashion world. Are YOU ready?

My only obstacle is myself.  -
"mon seulement obstacle est moi-même"
I need to learn to enjoy the present and soak it in. Only then will i truly understand the meaning of happiness.

Mistakes..

We all make choices on a daily basis, and life proves that karma is real when those choices create positive and negative consequences. I made a dumb decision without thinking clearly and made something for one client that resembled another. I guess I was stuck in a one track frame of mind and I may have ruined my reputation with these clients. They didn't seem that mad, however I haven't heard much from them, and I know that time and thought only makes anger grow when a conflict isn't resolved. I've changed one of the works to have a different feel while still staying true to that companies image, but, in my opinion, totally changing the mood of the design so it doesn't reflect onto the other clients work. However, i'm at the point that I haven't heard from either of the clients since this morning and i'm quite scared of the result. Usually when this happens and the tension builds, things turn out well and everything happens for the better. But when I think of the worst case scenarios of what could pan out, I wanna cry because if they happened, i'd lose a lot!
I just hope that they both realize that it wasn't done on purpose and that it doesn't happen often. It was a mistake.. and i hope they forgive me. I offered free work as a gesture of kindness to hopefully help resolve things.

Hopefully this mistake doesn't ruin my reputation in their eyes.


& i hope I hear from them soon so I can feel some sort of resolution.

Glam Rock Winter Issue!

The issue's just keep getting better as the seasons go by.. check out the latest issue, up now!
(fyi: since people keep confusing my "Glam Rock" with the 80's glam, i'd like to state here that this webzine is based upon a new vision of beauty and fashion based upon the words glamour and rock, which symbolizes the edginess and beauty of the vision).

http://www.glamrockmagazine.com

Revelations of Happiness

I had two revelations today... both were about happiness.

1. I'm happy in my personal life, i'm just not happy with my professional life. While I may be single, I am quite content with my life as a whole when it comes to where I live, my family, my friends and everything else. However, when it comes to my business I am not happy. Mostly because it's not progressing as quickly as i'd like. But would I strive so far if i was happy and content in that area as well? I mean, if i was happy being a seamstress, making little girls princess costumes for local boutiques, i'm sure I could do that now.. but that is not my goal and not my life. Which brings me to number 2..
2. Would I ever want to be truly happy? I think, knowing me, I would get really bored and search out for something to shake things up. I mean, honestly! I have a clothing line, my graphic design business and a lot of photography work on the side, but I still insist to put out my seasonal webzine every 3 months. Thats a ton of work I don't need to do.. but it shakes things up and I like that. It's no wonder some designers are so far ahead of me.. all they do is network and design and sew. I do all that and then do 3 or 4 other jobs on top of that. However, in a twisted way (as if there is any other kind).. this chaos and constant bone breaking perseverance makes me happy. I kill myself for my vision.. and thats what makes me "Tragic Glamour". 

I'm just an artist's heart in a designers profession.

Maturity..

• Thirty truly is the new Twenty. Think about it! When your twenty, your just starting to grasp who you are, what life's about, what you need and what's really important. Most twenty-something's take this time to drink until they drown and wake up when they're 25-28 yrs old in a janky apartment smelling of whisky, beer, bud and ass. If your lucky enough to get all of that partying out of your system early or keep it in moderation than you can probably spend your twenties diving and exploring all of those questions and overwhelming doubts you have circling your head (that you tried to drink away those couple years). SO when you think about it, your not really a functioning adult until your about thirty. At that time, your still young and attractive but you also have a better understanding of yourself and what you really want. 

  No wonder I always fall for older men..  

In Depth..

As this is my blog and I am free to write as I please.. I think i'll start utilizing this space to not only make announcements or in depth blogs on my journey but to also write out my deep and often random thought process. As i've written my ideas before in random notebooks on random sheets of paper I doubt I will ever find, an internet log of these ideas might just be the perfect solution.

THEREFORE.. If you ever actually read my blog and find an entry that may seem random or off, that may be because I had a random thought I felt compelled to share.

While some of these thoughts may be private, I see no reason to hold back. I am an open book, after all, and I see no reason to keep my thought process a secret.

If you, the reader, happen to find my ramblings to make any sense at all.. I suppose you and I must be kindred.

ah well.. off to the ramblings of today...

• "I prefer myself through an outsider's eyes"

  While looking at myself on a webpage I frequent but rarely update, I glanced at my image and for a split second, saw myself in the eyes of an outsider. I wish I saw myself this way often, because it gave me a better perspective of what i'd like to see myself as. Re-affirming my faith that maybe I should just give in and follow through with the tattoos I desire, but hold back getting because of a slight hope that one day I might have some miniscule success in film.

• I'm the sweetest girl you'll probably ever meet, I just prefer to look 'bad'.

  Because I find a kinship with such souls as Megan Fox and Lady Gaga, where Megan is a Taurus, just like me, and taurean women like to mess with people's heads. Especially boys. This may be more commonly referred to as being a "tease", however the psychological power you can have over a person, watching them squeal and break, is just a twisted way we like to have a little fun. Now Lady Gaga, she's like two people in one. The sweetest person you'll ever meet when you sit down and talk, but when she performs.. when she is "GAGA"... she is a beast. She is a monster. She is seductive and in control. She stays with her vision and she makes a show that's truly worth watching. Now this may make me twisted or to some people it might be mean or evil to tease and control and like it.. but I suppose that to me, it's just foreplay. On the outside, I don't deceive. I may look 'bad' but i'm really an angel. My personality is very sweet, generous.. but when I feel like myself.. my EDGE comes out. That's the only time I seem to truly feel.. ALIVE.