Foolish Love

I found these quotes online that just happen to describe exactly how i feel.. which scares me to think that my feelings might actually be real...

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

“I'm not supposed to love you, I'm not supposed to care, I'm not supposed to live my life wishing you were there. I'm not supposed to wonder where you are or what you do...I'm sorry I can't help myself, I'm in love with you.”

“When I saw you, I was afraid to meet you... When I met you, I was afraid to kiss you... When I kissed you, I was afraid to love you... Now that I love you, I'm afraid to lose you.”

“A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one”

“Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a mans last romance.”

-Oscar Wilde

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

* Damn thats the truth..

  “Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you I had no control over.”

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly”

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my biggest fear is that what i'm feeling is actually love.. and he never feels the same way. i cant ask, for fear of the truth being what i believe to be true, but there is still a small hope that his actions and words overpower the few missteps that give me this immense doubt. 

these feelings are overpowering and interfere in my daily life.. something i never wanted.. but i suppose i have no control over.. 

i'm just a foolish girl.. i knew what i was getting myself into.. but i did it anyway.. what does that say about me?  

    

C.TA Glam Couture Launches first Couture Collection!!

I've been SWAMPED with work the fast few weeks trying to get Glam Rock Magazine's Spring 2010 issue ready to launch and The Spring 2010 Line for C.TA ready... it has been hell but I am finally done (for the most part) and I have officially launched both projects!

Check it out and Buy some cute stuff! I really hope you all like my work! It's been hard, since this is my first time really sewing clothing, but considering the good response i've received so far, it's worth it. Can't wait to start on the Fall 2010 Line!

& a special thank you to everyone taking the time to check out my stuff and show your support! Just knowing that someone out there enjoys my stuff and looks forward to my work, makes it ALL worth it!

C.TA Glam Couture Launches first Couture Collection!!
Including the first ever line of couture clothing as well as the usual tee's available at cafepress.com/ctaglamcouture and our Glam Rock Accessories available at tragicglamour.etsy.com.

Check it out now!!

Check out the behind the scenes videos here:

Pain makes me Poetic

sometimes nights don't go as planned,
sometimes life gets complicated,
sometimes you fall in love with a man,
sometimes you really hate him.
sometimes you ask yourself questions,
sometimes the answers wont come at all,
sometimes you waste your time for him,
sometimes its worth it all.


Is love worth the pain we put ourselves through? Only time will tell.

Altering your perception...

After a lot of observation, I have one truth...

being bitchy gets you nowhere! just because you write bitchy status updates and talk shit about random people or their views.. doesn't make you cool.


I'll try my best to be living proof that kindness, generosity and a genuine personality are still attainable in this world of hate.


xo

Vote for me in this Tee Contest!

hey guys! do me a favor? sign up and vote for my design in this contest!!

https://www.artworkjunkies.com/en/contest/designs/Love-is-a-Razorblade

Note to Self..

"abundance is not about how much money you have, it's about how much you are enjoying your life."

when working isn't making you happy, it's okay to take a break and enjoy life a little...

Lyrics I find truthful..

In the spirit of Valentines Day... i figured i'd post some lyrics that i often hear and associate with my life as the truth! Enjoy..

"Let's fall apart together now..
There's a motive to our sadness as we drag the mirrored ball and chain
Through the twilight again
Dressed up in shame..
Have no fear
There are wounds that are not meant to heal.." 

- H.I.M. "In Verene Veritas"

"I turned around 3 times and wound up at your door
Now you say you know all you did not know before
And I offer no sympathy for that
I hear that it was you who died alone
And I offer no sympathy for that
Better off I sparkle on my own

And someday love will find me in the rough
Someday love will finally be enough
I got your love letters
I threw them all away
And I hear you think that I'm crazy
I'm driving 95
And I'm driving you away
And I shine a little more lately" 

- Anna Nalick "In the Rough"

"This second chancin's really getting me down
You give and takin' everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go

All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was you

I'd rather walk alone, don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I fall a thousand times for I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey, hey" 

- Kelly Clarkson "All I Ever Wanted"

"Don't cry to me.
If you loved me,
You would be here with me.
You want me,
Come find me.
Make up your mind." 

- Evanescence "Call Me When Your Sober"

"So you're taking these pills
For to fill up your soul
And you're drinking them down with cheap alcohol
And I'd be inclined to be yours for the taking
And part of this terrible mess that you're making
But me, I'm the catalyst" -Anna Nalick "Catalyst"

"And all these twisted thoughts I see
Jesus there in between" 

- Flyleaf "So I Thought"

"Love's the funeral of hearts
And an ode for cruelty
When angels cry blood
On flowers of evil in bloom"

- H.I.M. "Funeral Of Hearts"

p.s. here's a super cute video of the valentines day C.TA shoot with Laci Kay!

New Video up for C.TA's Spring 2010 GR Spread!

My editing chops are certainly improving.. and i'm very excited.

Photoshoot with new C.TA model, Jillian Johnston, for the Spring 2010 Glam Rock Magazine Seasonal Vaccination of C.TA spread! This seasons spread is all about creativity!

More photos will be up on April 1st at www.glamrockmagazine.com

and more at www.myspace.com/ctaglamcouture

Living in the moment...

While it's a phrase often heard, you never really grasp its meaning until you attempt it.
I am a person who is stuck in the future. My mother is a person stuck in the past. I am always anxious because nothing ever seems to come fast enough. My mother lives in regret for all of the things she has done wrong or people who have wronged her. Neither make you happy or content with life as a whole.
I've realized that living in the moment is true happiness. Loving whats around you. The experience, people, smells, tastes, sounds. Truly enjoying the moment, no matter how joyless it may seem. There is a touch of good in everyone and everything, but when we wrap ourselves up in future or the past, we become completely blind to the present.

Right now I am sitting in my room, in a two story house in northern california. It's dark out, as it's 4am. Im an insomniac, which i often prefer as i work best at night. I hear the sounds of cars rushing by outside in what sounds like the slosh of puddles from an impending rain. Unfortunately, i cant smell much because of these god forsaken allergies that magically appeared last summer. What i see around me is the flicker of a blank tv, the blaring light of a computer screen and the faint view of miscellaneous objects being shown by the tv's dim light. in this moment, there is quiet, in this moment there is peace. there is no one trying to harm me or yell. My worries mean nothing as there is not immediate need for them. My body is tense from the stress i've felt the past few days and the weeks of nursing my mother back to health.. both mentally and physically. This moment is happiness because there is no stress. If i think about it, the future, the issues in life and business, there are MOUNDS of stress (in fact just writing that makes my back very tense)... HOWEVER.. in this moment.. there is NO STRESS. No immediate need for stress or worry and therefore i feel BLISS.

Business is money.. and right now I have none so I guess my business is personal. 2010 is the year of change. The year to get my health in check, to finally begin exercising and learning to like it, to gain knowledge over things i'll need for business, to balance out my life between work and friends. This is all very crucial because 2011 is the year of exposure. The year i'll finally get my ass out there and try. All of my attempts up until now have been safe, behind a screen... well in 2011 I WILL have a healthy body, mind and schedule, organized and ready to pounce on the fashion world. Are YOU ready?

My only obstacle is myself.  -
"mon seulement obstacle est moi-même"
I need to learn to enjoy the present and soak it in. Only then will i truly understand the meaning of happiness.

Mistakes..

We all make choices on a daily basis, and life proves that karma is real when those choices create positive and negative consequences. I made a dumb decision without thinking clearly and made something for one client that resembled another. I guess I was stuck in a one track frame of mind and I may have ruined my reputation with these clients. They didn't seem that mad, however I haven't heard much from them, and I know that time and thought only makes anger grow when a conflict isn't resolved. I've changed one of the works to have a different feel while still staying true to that companies image, but, in my opinion, totally changing the mood of the design so it doesn't reflect onto the other clients work. However, i'm at the point that I haven't heard from either of the clients since this morning and i'm quite scared of the result. Usually when this happens and the tension builds, things turn out well and everything happens for the better. But when I think of the worst case scenarios of what could pan out, I wanna cry because if they happened, i'd lose a lot!
I just hope that they both realize that it wasn't done on purpose and that it doesn't happen often. It was a mistake.. and i hope they forgive me. I offered free work as a gesture of kindness to hopefully help resolve things.

Hopefully this mistake doesn't ruin my reputation in their eyes.


& i hope I hear from them soon so I can feel some sort of resolution.

Glam Rock Winter Issue!

The issue's just keep getting better as the seasons go by.. check out the latest issue, up now!
(fyi: since people keep confusing my "Glam Rock" with the 80's glam, i'd like to state here that this webzine is based upon a new vision of beauty and fashion based upon the words glamour and rock, which symbolizes the edginess and beauty of the vision).

http://www.glamrockmagazine.com

Revelations of Happiness

I had two revelations today... both were about happiness.

1. I'm happy in my personal life, i'm just not happy with my professional life. While I may be single, I am quite content with my life as a whole when it comes to where I live, my family, my friends and everything else. However, when it comes to my business I am not happy. Mostly because it's not progressing as quickly as i'd like. But would I strive so far if i was happy and content in that area as well? I mean, if i was happy being a seamstress, making little girls princess costumes for local boutiques, i'm sure I could do that now.. but that is not my goal and not my life. Which brings me to number 2..
2. Would I ever want to be truly happy? I think, knowing me, I would get really bored and search out for something to shake things up. I mean, honestly! I have a clothing line, my graphic design business and a lot of photography work on the side, but I still insist to put out my seasonal webzine every 3 months. Thats a ton of work I don't need to do.. but it shakes things up and I like that. It's no wonder some designers are so far ahead of me.. all they do is network and design and sew. I do all that and then do 3 or 4 other jobs on top of that. However, in a twisted way (as if there is any other kind).. this chaos and constant bone breaking perseverance makes me happy. I kill myself for my vision.. and thats what makes me "Tragic Glamour". 

I'm just an artist's heart in a designers profession.

Maturity..

• Thirty truly is the new Twenty. Think about it! When your twenty, your just starting to grasp who you are, what life's about, what you need and what's really important. Most twenty-something's take this time to drink until they drown and wake up when they're 25-28 yrs old in a janky apartment smelling of whisky, beer, bud and ass. If your lucky enough to get all of that partying out of your system early or keep it in moderation than you can probably spend your twenties diving and exploring all of those questions and overwhelming doubts you have circling your head (that you tried to drink away those couple years). SO when you think about it, your not really a functioning adult until your about thirty. At that time, your still young and attractive but you also have a better understanding of yourself and what you really want. 

  No wonder I always fall for older men..  

In Depth..

As this is my blog and I am free to write as I please.. I think i'll start utilizing this space to not only make announcements or in depth blogs on my journey but to also write out my deep and often random thought process. As i've written my ideas before in random notebooks on random sheets of paper I doubt I will ever find, an internet log of these ideas might just be the perfect solution.

THEREFORE.. If you ever actually read my blog and find an entry that may seem random or off, that may be because I had a random thought I felt compelled to share.

While some of these thoughts may be private, I see no reason to hold back. I am an open book, after all, and I see no reason to keep my thought process a secret.

If you, the reader, happen to find my ramblings to make any sense at all.. I suppose you and I must be kindred.

ah well.. off to the ramblings of today...

• "I prefer myself through an outsider's eyes"

  While looking at myself on a webpage I frequent but rarely update, I glanced at my image and for a split second, saw myself in the eyes of an outsider. I wish I saw myself this way often, because it gave me a better perspective of what i'd like to see myself as. Re-affirming my faith that maybe I should just give in and follow through with the tattoos I desire, but hold back getting because of a slight hope that one day I might have some miniscule success in film.

• I'm the sweetest girl you'll probably ever meet, I just prefer to look 'bad'.

  Because I find a kinship with such souls as Megan Fox and Lady Gaga, where Megan is a Taurus, just like me, and taurean women like to mess with people's heads. Especially boys. This may be more commonly referred to as being a "tease", however the psychological power you can have over a person, watching them squeal and break, is just a twisted way we like to have a little fun. Now Lady Gaga, she's like two people in one. The sweetest person you'll ever meet when you sit down and talk, but when she performs.. when she is "GAGA"... she is a beast. She is a monster. She is seductive and in control. She stays with her vision and she makes a show that's truly worth watching. Now this may make me twisted or to some people it might be mean or evil to tease and control and like it.. but I suppose that to me, it's just foreplay. On the outside, I don't deceive. I may look 'bad' but i'm really an angel. My personality is very sweet, generous.. but when I feel like myself.. my EDGE comes out. That's the only time I seem to truly feel.. ALIVE.

Tragic Toons

September is now labeled "hell month". Not only do i have side projects with grphic design clients, but i'm launch 3 things this month! Tragic Toons will be releasing on Sept 11th which is a line filled with cute and twisted characters to unleash the child within. On October 1st i'll be releasing the fall 2009 line called "Monotone"! A line filled wth Alice in Wonderland, Victorian and Marie Antoinette inspired designs. Also on Oct 1st i will be releasing the fall 2009 issue of Glam Rock Magazine with cover girl, Raquel Reed! I'm so excited. But that means i have to rally everything together and also squeeze in a ton of photoshoots in the coming weeks. Not only that but on Sept 25th i'll be hosting my first ever C.TA launch party to celebrate the fall line, so i'm a little nervous about that too.


see why its called hell month? a zillion things to do, but it will be totally worth it.

"Extreme" disorder?

i've always been the type of person who isn't happy unless there are extremes. while nothing bad may be going on in my life, i don't ever feel happy unless something tremendous happens. Even if i'm completely miserable because of a bad relationship or something, i feel comfortable because i'm the "extreme" of bad. i either have to be insanely happy or miserable in order to "feel". i don't understand why i am this way, maybe it's because my parents did drugs before they had me.. i don't know.
to be honest i've been stuck in a feeling of in between for at least a year now, if not longer. maybe my past relationship numbed me more than i already was. but i've been stuck in he middle of this, "i'm okay, nothings bad, nothings great either" funk and i'm sick of it. absolutely OVER it. But how do i get out of it?
because of this "in between" period i have been very indecisive and haven't been the most reliable person. i've been searching for changes, like dying my hair back blond or whatever color to try and fill the space but it hasn't worked.
As i'm writing this right now im watching a little boy on tv who was talking about how he used to be miserable cause he never fit in and then he found dance it became his passion and he's never been happier.
Maybe focusing on my passions is what will truly make me happy again. Sewing and actually creating my couture collection sounds amazing right now.
ive been stuck doing graphic design, networking, promoting, etc for 2 years now if not more! i like doing all of that but i need a fricken break! or at least some balance between that stuff and the stuff i want/need to do.

BALANCE is key.. now it's just a matter of finding it.

Freelancing and an Accessories Line..

Since school has ended i've been occupying my time with freelance work that i've thankfully been "handed" and haven't had to scavenge for. That's a big blessing in this economy, even though those jobs aren't very high paying. I've been working on Marialia's website lately, and although i have the design down, i've been struggling with a little dilemma. I want this site to be easily editable for her, but in order to do that i need to learn a whole new computer language called PHP. I know i can do it, and i know it would be really rewarding to learn it for any future jobs and my own website, but it is hard and will take a while. My plan is to buckle down for the next two weeks and learn it before i go to L.A. on June 11th-17th. I need to make some big headway on this so I can get it done quickly and done right.

Another thing i've been working on is my own Jewelry and Accessories line for C.TA. In an effort to expand the line to be more than just the normal graphic tees, i'm starting this couture one of a kind/limited edition line of accessories! These accessories will be available on my new Etsy store on June 1st. Keep a look out for custom couture clothing there later this year/early next year!

tragicglamour.etsy.com

So much to do.. so little time..

I often find myself putting together sooo many projects that i start to implode! im overwhelmed. why? well.. here's my to do list..

- finish Glam Rock Magazine Website
- contact people and put together summer comeback issue for Glam Rock Magazine
- edit and send Laci Kay pictures
- edit and send Manda w. pictures
- work on fall line for c.ta
- make tragic toons for c.ta
- update c.ta website
- make marialia website
- do shoots for c.ta
- make accessories line for c.ta to sell on etsy
- plan l.a. trip for june 11th-17th
- make c.ta business plan
- clean out and decorate office/reorganize


and thats just my to do list right now! i also have personal things i need to do like dye my hair, buy supplies, and whatever else.

and all of these things need to be done by early july.

i dont know how i do this.
i guess i am superwoman.

When I need encouragement.. when i feel as if i might be failing.. i need to remember..

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere." - Barack Obama

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." -Robert F. Kennedy

"You have reached the pinnacle of success as soon as you become uninterested in money, compliments, or publicity." -Thomas Wolfe

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I have a really hard time watching people excel while i stay in the shadows. However, i need to remember that their success is encouraging and an inspiration. A real life example that the success i desire is obtainable. When my time has come i will find success. I will. Till then, the failure i feel is momentary weakness and my drive will triumph over it in the end.

C.TA's New Site UP NOW!

C.TA's new site is up now!!! http://www.ctaglamcouture.com/