Mistakes..

We all make choices on a daily basis, and life proves that karma is real when those choices create positive and negative consequences. I made a dumb decision without thinking clearly and made something for one client that resembled another. I guess I was stuck in a one track frame of mind and I may have ruined my reputation with these clients. They didn't seem that mad, however I haven't heard much from them, and I know that time and thought only makes anger grow when a conflict isn't resolved. I've changed one of the works to have a different feel while still staying true to that companies image, but, in my opinion, totally changing the mood of the design so it doesn't reflect onto the other clients work. However, i'm at the point that I haven't heard from either of the clients since this morning and i'm quite scared of the result. Usually when this happens and the tension builds, things turn out well and everything happens for the better. But when I think of the worst case scenarios of what could pan out, I wanna cry because if they happened, i'd lose a lot!
I just hope that they both realize that it wasn't done on purpose and that it doesn't happen often. It was a mistake.. and i hope they forgive me. I offered free work as a gesture of kindness to hopefully help resolve things.

Hopefully this mistake doesn't ruin my reputation in their eyes.


& i hope I hear from them soon so I can feel some sort of resolution.

Glam Rock Winter Issue!

The issue's just keep getting better as the seasons go by.. check out the latest issue, up now!
(fyi: since people keep confusing my "Glam Rock" with the 80's glam, i'd like to state here that this webzine is based upon a new vision of beauty and fashion based upon the words glamour and rock, which symbolizes the edginess and beauty of the vision).

http://www.glamrockmagazine.com

Revelations of Happiness

I had two revelations today... both were about happiness.

1. I'm happy in my personal life, i'm just not happy with my professional life. While I may be single, I am quite content with my life as a whole when it comes to where I live, my family, my friends and everything else. However, when it comes to my business I am not happy. Mostly because it's not progressing as quickly as i'd like. But would I strive so far if i was happy and content in that area as well? I mean, if i was happy being a seamstress, making little girls princess costumes for local boutiques, i'm sure I could do that now.. but that is not my goal and not my life. Which brings me to number 2..
2. Would I ever want to be truly happy? I think, knowing me, I would get really bored and search out for something to shake things up. I mean, honestly! I have a clothing line, my graphic design business and a lot of photography work on the side, but I still insist to put out my seasonal webzine every 3 months. Thats a ton of work I don't need to do.. but it shakes things up and I like that. It's no wonder some designers are so far ahead of me.. all they do is network and design and sew. I do all that and then do 3 or 4 other jobs on top of that. However, in a twisted way (as if there is any other kind).. this chaos and constant bone breaking perseverance makes me happy. I kill myself for my vision.. and thats what makes me "Tragic Glamour". 

I'm just an artist's heart in a designers profession.

Maturity..

• Thirty truly is the new Twenty. Think about it! When your twenty, your just starting to grasp who you are, what life's about, what you need and what's really important. Most twenty-something's take this time to drink until they drown and wake up when they're 25-28 yrs old in a janky apartment smelling of whisky, beer, bud and ass. If your lucky enough to get all of that partying out of your system early or keep it in moderation than you can probably spend your twenties diving and exploring all of those questions and overwhelming doubts you have circling your head (that you tried to drink away those couple years). SO when you think about it, your not really a functioning adult until your about thirty. At that time, your still young and attractive but you also have a better understanding of yourself and what you really want. 

  No wonder I always fall for older men..  

In Depth..

As this is my blog and I am free to write as I please.. I think i'll start utilizing this space to not only make announcements or in depth blogs on my journey but to also write out my deep and often random thought process. As i've written my ideas before in random notebooks on random sheets of paper I doubt I will ever find, an internet log of these ideas might just be the perfect solution.

THEREFORE.. If you ever actually read my blog and find an entry that may seem random or off, that may be because I had a random thought I felt compelled to share.

While some of these thoughts may be private, I see no reason to hold back. I am an open book, after all, and I see no reason to keep my thought process a secret.

If you, the reader, happen to find my ramblings to make any sense at all.. I suppose you and I must be kindred.

ah well.. off to the ramblings of today...

• "I prefer myself through an outsider's eyes"

  While looking at myself on a webpage I frequent but rarely update, I glanced at my image and for a split second, saw myself in the eyes of an outsider. I wish I saw myself this way often, because it gave me a better perspective of what i'd like to see myself as. Re-affirming my faith that maybe I should just give in and follow through with the tattoos I desire, but hold back getting because of a slight hope that one day I might have some miniscule success in film.

• I'm the sweetest girl you'll probably ever meet, I just prefer to look 'bad'.

  Because I find a kinship with such souls as Megan Fox and Lady Gaga, where Megan is a Taurus, just like me, and taurean women like to mess with people's heads. Especially boys. This may be more commonly referred to as being a "tease", however the psychological power you can have over a person, watching them squeal and break, is just a twisted way we like to have a little fun. Now Lady Gaga, she's like two people in one. The sweetest person you'll ever meet when you sit down and talk, but when she performs.. when she is "GAGA"... she is a beast. She is a monster. She is seductive and in control. She stays with her vision and she makes a show that's truly worth watching. Now this may make me twisted or to some people it might be mean or evil to tease and control and like it.. but I suppose that to me, it's just foreplay. On the outside, I don't deceive. I may look 'bad' but i'm really an angel. My personality is very sweet, generous.. but when I feel like myself.. my EDGE comes out. That's the only time I seem to truly feel.. ALIVE.

Tragic Toons

September is now labeled "hell month". Not only do i have side projects with grphic design clients, but i'm launch 3 things this month! Tragic Toons will be releasing on Sept 11th which is a line filled with cute and twisted characters to unleash the child within. On October 1st i'll be releasing the fall 2009 line called "Monotone"! A line filled wth Alice in Wonderland, Victorian and Marie Antoinette inspired designs. Also on Oct 1st i will be releasing the fall 2009 issue of Glam Rock Magazine with cover girl, Raquel Reed! I'm so excited. But that means i have to rally everything together and also squeeze in a ton of photoshoots in the coming weeks. Not only that but on Sept 25th i'll be hosting my first ever C.TA launch party to celebrate the fall line, so i'm a little nervous about that too.


see why its called hell month? a zillion things to do, but it will be totally worth it.

"Extreme" disorder?

i've always been the type of person who isn't happy unless there are extremes. while nothing bad may be going on in my life, i don't ever feel happy unless something tremendous happens. Even if i'm completely miserable because of a bad relationship or something, i feel comfortable because i'm the "extreme" of bad. i either have to be insanely happy or miserable in order to "feel". i don't understand why i am this way, maybe it's because my parents did drugs before they had me.. i don't know.
to be honest i've been stuck in a feeling of in between for at least a year now, if not longer. maybe my past relationship numbed me more than i already was. but i've been stuck in he middle of this, "i'm okay, nothings bad, nothings great either" funk and i'm sick of it. absolutely OVER it. But how do i get out of it?
because of this "in between" period i have been very indecisive and haven't been the most reliable person. i've been searching for changes, like dying my hair back blond or whatever color to try and fill the space but it hasn't worked.
As i'm writing this right now im watching a little boy on tv who was talking about how he used to be miserable cause he never fit in and then he found dance it became his passion and he's never been happier.
Maybe focusing on my passions is what will truly make me happy again. Sewing and actually creating my couture collection sounds amazing right now.
ive been stuck doing graphic design, networking, promoting, etc for 2 years now if not more! i like doing all of that but i need a fricken break! or at least some balance between that stuff and the stuff i want/need to do.

BALANCE is key.. now it's just a matter of finding it.