Revelations of Happiness

I had two revelations today... both were about happiness.

1. I'm happy in my personal life, i'm just not happy with my professional life. While I may be single, I am quite content with my life as a whole when it comes to where I live, my family, my friends and everything else. However, when it comes to my business I am not happy. Mostly because it's not progressing as quickly as i'd like. But would I strive so far if i was happy and content in that area as well? I mean, if i was happy being a seamstress, making little girls princess costumes for local boutiques, i'm sure I could do that now.. but that is not my goal and not my life. Which brings me to number 2..
2. Would I ever want to be truly happy? I think, knowing me, I would get really bored and search out for something to shake things up. I mean, honestly! I have a clothing line, my graphic design business and a lot of photography work on the side, but I still insist to put out my seasonal webzine every 3 months. Thats a ton of work I don't need to do.. but it shakes things up and I like that. It's no wonder some designers are so far ahead of me.. all they do is network and design and sew. I do all that and then do 3 or 4 other jobs on top of that. However, in a twisted way (as if there is any other kind).. this chaos and constant bone breaking perseverance makes me happy. I kill myself for my vision.. and thats what makes me "Tragic Glamour". 

I'm just an artist's heart in a designers profession.

Maturity..

• Thirty truly is the new Twenty. Think about it! When your twenty, your just starting to grasp who you are, what life's about, what you need and what's really important. Most twenty-something's take this time to drink until they drown and wake up when they're 25-28 yrs old in a janky apartment smelling of whisky, beer, bud and ass. If your lucky enough to get all of that partying out of your system early or keep it in moderation than you can probably spend your twenties diving and exploring all of those questions and overwhelming doubts you have circling your head (that you tried to drink away those couple years). SO when you think about it, your not really a functioning adult until your about thirty. At that time, your still young and attractive but you also have a better understanding of yourself and what you really want. 

  No wonder I always fall for older men..  

In Depth..

As this is my blog and I am free to write as I please.. I think i'll start utilizing this space to not only make announcements or in depth blogs on my journey but to also write out my deep and often random thought process. As i've written my ideas before in random notebooks on random sheets of paper I doubt I will ever find, an internet log of these ideas might just be the perfect solution.

THEREFORE.. If you ever actually read my blog and find an entry that may seem random or off, that may be because I had a random thought I felt compelled to share.

While some of these thoughts may be private, I see no reason to hold back. I am an open book, after all, and I see no reason to keep my thought process a secret.

If you, the reader, happen to find my ramblings to make any sense at all.. I suppose you and I must be kindred.

ah well.. off to the ramblings of today...

• "I prefer myself through an outsider's eyes"

  While looking at myself on a webpage I frequent but rarely update, I glanced at my image and for a split second, saw myself in the eyes of an outsider. I wish I saw myself this way often, because it gave me a better perspective of what i'd like to see myself as. Re-affirming my faith that maybe I should just give in and follow through with the tattoos I desire, but hold back getting because of a slight hope that one day I might have some miniscule success in film.

• I'm the sweetest girl you'll probably ever meet, I just prefer to look 'bad'.

  Because I find a kinship with such souls as Megan Fox and Lady Gaga, where Megan is a Taurus, just like me, and taurean women like to mess with people's heads. Especially boys. This may be more commonly referred to as being a "tease", however the psychological power you can have over a person, watching them squeal and break, is just a twisted way we like to have a little fun. Now Lady Gaga, she's like two people in one. The sweetest person you'll ever meet when you sit down and talk, but when she performs.. when she is "GAGA"... she is a beast. She is a monster. She is seductive and in control. She stays with her vision and she makes a show that's truly worth watching. Now this may make me twisted or to some people it might be mean or evil to tease and control and like it.. but I suppose that to me, it's just foreplay. On the outside, I don't deceive. I may look 'bad' but i'm really an angel. My personality is very sweet, generous.. but when I feel like myself.. my EDGE comes out. That's the only time I seem to truly feel.. ALIVE.