"Extreme" disorder?

i've always been the type of person who isn't happy unless there are extremes. while nothing bad may be going on in my life, i don't ever feel happy unless something tremendous happens. Even if i'm completely miserable because of a bad relationship or something, i feel comfortable because i'm the "extreme" of bad. i either have to be insanely happy or miserable in order to "feel". i don't understand why i am this way, maybe it's because my parents did drugs before they had me.. i don't know.
to be honest i've been stuck in a feeling of in between for at least a year now, if not longer. maybe my past relationship numbed me more than i already was. but i've been stuck in he middle of this, "i'm okay, nothings bad, nothings great either" funk and i'm sick of it. absolutely OVER it. But how do i get out of it?
because of this "in between" period i have been very indecisive and haven't been the most reliable person. i've been searching for changes, like dying my hair back blond or whatever color to try and fill the space but it hasn't worked.
As i'm writing this right now im watching a little boy on tv who was talking about how he used to be miserable cause he never fit in and then he found dance it became his passion and he's never been happier.
Maybe focusing on my passions is what will truly make me happy again. Sewing and actually creating my couture collection sounds amazing right now.
ive been stuck doing graphic design, networking, promoting, etc for 2 years now if not more! i like doing all of that but i need a fricken break! or at least some balance between that stuff and the stuff i want/need to do.

BALANCE is key.. now it's just a matter of finding it.

Freelancing and an Accessories Line..

Since school has ended i've been occupying my time with freelance work that i've thankfully been "handed" and haven't had to scavenge for. That's a big blessing in this economy, even though those jobs aren't very high paying. I've been working on Marialia's website lately, and although i have the design down, i've been struggling with a little dilemma. I want this site to be easily editable for her, but in order to do that i need to learn a whole new computer language called PHP. I know i can do it, and i know it would be really rewarding to learn it for any future jobs and my own website, but it is hard and will take a while. My plan is to buckle down for the next two weeks and learn it before i go to L.A. on June 11th-17th. I need to make some big headway on this so I can get it done quickly and done right.

Another thing i've been working on is my own Jewelry and Accessories line for C.TA. In an effort to expand the line to be more than just the normal graphic tees, i'm starting this couture one of a kind/limited edition line of accessories! These accessories will be available on my new Etsy store on June 1st. Keep a look out for custom couture clothing there later this year/early next year!

tragicglamour.etsy.com

So much to do.. so little time..

I often find myself putting together sooo many projects that i start to implode! im overwhelmed. why? well.. here's my to do list..

- finish Glam Rock Magazine Website
- contact people and put together summer comeback issue for Glam Rock Magazine
- edit and send Laci Kay pictures
- edit and send Manda w. pictures
- work on fall line for c.ta
- make tragic toons for c.ta
- update c.ta website
- make marialia website
- do shoots for c.ta
- make accessories line for c.ta to sell on etsy
- plan l.a. trip for june 11th-17th
- make c.ta business plan
- clean out and decorate office/reorganize


and thats just my to do list right now! i also have personal things i need to do like dye my hair, buy supplies, and whatever else.

and all of these things need to be done by early july.

i dont know how i do this.
i guess i am superwoman.

When I need encouragement.. when i feel as if i might be failing.. i need to remember..

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere." - Barack Obama

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly." -Robert F. Kennedy

"You have reached the pinnacle of success as soon as you become uninterested in money, compliments, or publicity." -Thomas Wolfe

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I have a really hard time watching people excel while i stay in the shadows. However, i need to remember that their success is encouraging and an inspiration. A real life example that the success i desire is obtainable. When my time has come i will find success. I will. Till then, the failure i feel is momentary weakness and my drive will triumph over it in the end.

C.TA's New Site UP NOW!

C.TA's new site is up now!!! http://www.ctaglamcouture.com/

Graduating College.. A New Chapter Begins.

I feel discouraged and frustrated when after working everyday of the week on a constant basis, i still feel like i can't keep up.

maybe everyone really does have a team behind them running things and i'm the only one working a one woman show.

Last night i celebrated the fact that on March 20th, i graduated from FIDM with an AA in Graphic Design and i "walk" in June. I guess that chapter has ended and new phase begins..

I also celebrated that yesterday i launched my Spring 2009 line of my clothing line, C.TA Glam Couture! it's available on the store in the womens section and men's.

Check it.. Spring 2009 line; Tattoo Addict!

My Biggest Challenge...

Finishing up my last two weeks at FIDM, i've realized something. I knew that this year and a half of non-stop work at college caused me to neglect my style and go with jeans and a hoodie and practically never style my hair past it's natural curl but i didn't realize the strain it had on my sanity. Now that sounds worse than it is.. What i really mean is that, lately i've been so focused on my FIDM work that i've actually neglected myself. Not just projects or C.TA stuff, but i've actually ignored myself. I need to slow down once in a while and maybe not work one day out of the week. Create some balance in my life. That is my "new years resolution".. to balance out my life so i can better handle all situations. I work everyday for hours on end on every project i have and then some. I love being busy and i love doing this, but sometimes its draining. I pray that this balance will be permanent and i can finally go out and have fun and work on a regular basis.